Author: steph

Who are we? a new Small Answers season on Identity

Dear Readers,

We’re back with a new season of Small Answers! We so enjoyed focusing our last selection of pieces on the topic of parenting, that we decided to keep the idea of a theme: this season’s theme is Identity.

Many of the big life questions that we’ve wrestled with on Small Answers can be distilled into questions about identity: Who am I? What makes me worthy of love, friendship? Am I competent at work? Do I fit in and belong? Who am I becoming? We construct these ideas to make us feel safe, secure in our understanding of ourselves as competent, good and likable people. However our identity — who and what we are — is never a fixed set of things. We grow, age, and mature; our notions of ourselves evolve.

Sometimes, these changes are ones we get to choose; we decide to let go of an old identity that no longer fits. We can shed a part of who we were like outgrowing an old shirt and growing into something new. Other times, identity shifts with circumstances outside of our control– losing a job, getting sick, becoming an aunt/uncle or grandparent, or political and cultural changes around us. In these situations, we can only accept and work with the changing tides.

It’s been six years since we started Small Answers and the best part of aging has been growing into ourselves more and more. And yet, life is not a steady upward trajectory. We continue to navigate the peaks and valleys of both our chosen changes that come with unintended side effects and the changes we’re forced into. So much of our angst and worry comes from the ways that we try to firmly hold onto things that are actually always changing, even ourselves. We like to cling to something firm, especially the stability of ourselves, even though we can look back and see that we are different than we were several years ago. We know that we are evolving beings and personalities.

To explore the many facets of identity and our shifting understanding of ourselves, we have a series of wonderful pieces coming up for you covering topics from post-PhD blues, to a loss of confidence at work, to getting in touch with our spiritual selves.

Thank you to all of our guest authors who have contributed to this series! As always, we’re excited to share a variety of voices and stories on Small Answers. We’re still accepting pieces for this series or in the future — if you’d like to contribute please contact us.

As Maria Popova has described: “Life is a continual process of arrival into who we are.” We hope this season shares some of the inner workings of this process. Thank you for continuing to arrive with us.

With love,

Leda & Steph

 

Image: Yayoi Kusama : Infinity Mirrors

I Understand My Mom Now (3 Mysteries Explained)

I get it now; several of my mom’s baffling behaviors regarding her kids have been explained. I’m not a mom myself, but just being an aunt has really shed light on three key mysteries about her.

Mystery 1: The Case of the Blurry Photo

My mom has a shelf of photos above her kitchen sink that we call “The Shrine.” (Note that some of these photos are blown up so much that it’s just a loved one’s face, blurry in the frame.) (read more…)

The Years That Ask

I find myself disappointed when I learn that a woman I admire has kids. Like when I read Heidi Julavits’ memoir, “A Folded Clock,” I was excited when she describes an abortion. “Maybe she doesn’t have kids!” came a gleeful shout from somewhere inside me. She does, I discovered a few chapters later, and my heart sank a bit. Listening to an episode of Krista Tippett’s podcast, On Being, I had the same experience. “I wonder if she has kids?” She’s so wise and successful. I Googled for the answer. She does (two). Cue disappointment.

(read more…)

ABCs for a Happy Life

ABCs_allAt the age of six, my sister told a stranger, “Don’t have a lugubrious day!” Even at a young age, she knew big words. She and my mom would practice vocabulary and would always stop to look up unfamiliar words when reading. They enjoyed distinguishing shades of meaning between similar words.

This was their thing; I didn’t bother. I read for plot, easily skipping over gaping, unfamiliar words. If I could understand the general meaning of the sentence, I wasn’t bothered by a quick skip over a missing word here or there. When it came time to study for the SATs, this attitude showed. I spent a bit of time with flash cards to make up for this. I learned the meaning of obdurate and lachrymose (words that my mom was shocked that I hadn’t known by then). Yet, even with new this new vocab, I didn’t fully understand the importance of words and their power to shape how we see ourselves and the world. (read more…)

Marriage—Who Needs It? I Do.

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In the early years of our relationship, when Lars and I were just out of college, we attended two weddings of our peers. The couples were pretty different from us—dating since their teens, religious—and we experienced the occasions like anthropologists observing exotic customs.

Then our mid-twenties arrived and, with them, a torrent of weddings. One after the other, our close friends all started getting married. These occasions allowed us to leave our ordinary lives behind for a weekend, drive to some inn or farm, don fancy clothes, and watch our peers act older and wiser than we felt.

Once Lars and I returned the rental car Sunday night, we’d be back to our cruddy apartment in Queens. Come Monday, I’d be sorting more newsclips for a boss who found me talentless and disappointing. The future did not seem fecund with promise; it felt unknowable and scary. On more than one occasion Lars had found me in our bathtub, sobbing into the water, telling him I’d peaked and was now a waste of space. While I believed in our relationship, I could not imagine declaring to the world my confidence in life ahead. Love was real, and we had plenty of laughs and joys together, but despair conquered all. (read more…)