In the spring of 1975, at age 28 — during my first year in law school — I had an abortion. Given the same circumstances, I would do it again. I am telling the story of it now, almost 40 years later, because I want to share my experience directly, without the filters of religiosity or advocacy that otherwise make abortion almost impossible to talk about. The widely-respected Guttmacher Institute reports that since 1973 when Roe vs. Wade was decided, nearly 53 million legal abortions have been performed in the U.S. Yet the subject has become so fraught, few women admit to having had one. Many people give lip-service to the idea that having an abortion is “not an easy decision.” But millions of women make the decision for their own reasons every year. This is my story.
I was restless and nomadic in my 20s and early 30s. In a span of ten years, I moved to Hanoi, Saigon, London, San Francisco, Hanoi, Geneva, Hanoi and finally landed in San Francisco. To an onlooker, I appeared adventurous, but I was well-aware that my itinerant lifestyle stemmed from a deep fear of forming real attachments and committing to people, places and jobs.
Years before, when my mother passed away, I did not shed a tear for days. I did everything possible to avoid my overwhelming emotions associated with her illness and death. Instead, I moved at a frenetic pace, from school to a part-time restaurant job to hours studying. (read more…)
I have a card pinned to my bulletin board above my desk that says, “You are doing a fucking great job.” Since I get very little feedback at my current job, it’s really nice to be reminded that I’m doing ok, even by an inanimate object.
In the years after my mother passed, my father never spoke of her death. Instead, he often gave me and my sister (14 and 16 at the time) self-help books for our birthday and Christmas presents. Titles included The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Growing Beyond Emotional Dependence, and See Jane Win: The Rimm Report on How 1,000 Girls Became Successful Women. I read all of them, along with How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Road Less Traveled, and countless others from this genre, which lined my father’s bookshelves, and he avidly read himself.
I read and absorbed the books, but mistook my father’s silence for a lack of understanding. Only years later did I realize that my father keenly observed and understood the struggles my sister and I faced as motherless teenagers, but he couldn’t speak to us directly about them. My father has always been painfully silent man, rarely communicating about the small details of our daily lives, let alone the overwhelming pain that created a huge chasm in our family. Instead, he relied on the wisdom of self-help authors to solve our problems for us. (read more…)
We treat happiness as passive, something that comes when we are lucky, that is somewhat out of our control. We talk about “being” happy, not feeling it. Is this truly how happiness works? According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of positive psychology at UC Riverside, maybe not. In an interview with Dan Ariely, Lyubomirsky said “It takes ‘work’ to be happier.”
While we don’t have total control over how happy we are, we can influence a notable portion of it. Lyubomirsky explains that our happiness- that is, how happy we feel day-to-day- is 50% genetic, 10% determined by our life circumstances (these are both outside our immediate influence), and 40% our behavior and daily activities (which we do have control over). (read more…)