Charting My Emotional Growth

They say you can’t improve your progress unless you track or measure it.

We measure everything: the number of likes or retweets, weight loss, daily steps, the bikes down Market Street, but do we measure our emotional improvement? No. Why not? Well, I decided to track my emotional growth on the kitchen wall – like when I was a kid charting my height – and you know what? I can really see the improvements!… and the backslides.

My journey of emotional growth started in my early 30s, when I moved to San Francisco. It was a wonderland of local farm to table foods, tattoos, and fixie bicycles. Everyone was so vegan and organic and free of gluten’s tyranny. They were aware and doing things like acupuncture, yoga, and reiki. I came to realize that I had the self-awareness of a zygote. My first mark on the kitchen wall was literally inches from the floor. I made huge strides during the first year, though, thanks to intensive twice-weekly therapy sessions, meditation, loads of daylong silent retreats (which never work because I like to talk), yoga and, of course Pema Chodron. I had what many would consider a break-through within the first six months and a huge emotional growth spurt equivalent to three inches of height.

Being a self-aware 30-something is so much better than being an ignorant, ideologic 20 year old. I mean, life is real people – theories will only take you so far. I often think back to those early days and wonder how I ever survived with no real knowledge of who I was. So I decided to “unpack” my paradigm and take a good, long, deep look at myself in the mirror. Back then I would just drink and party to avoid real feelings or things that scared me – like the overwhelming desire not to be alone on a Friday night. Now, with all the emotional growth I’ve had, I just do as Rumi said and welcome in all the feelings, even if they make me cry late at night because I’m still single, and feed them vegan banana bread. The vegan banana bread really helps (the feelings are still a pain). I’m only vegan with baked goods; that’s how I know I’m not fully aware yet. But I can’t help it, In-and-Out Burger calls my name. And I have to heed that call – animal style.

I won’t lie. Becoming emotionally aware is like a super a long road trip – like way further than crossing the Bay Bridge, more like driving to Tahoe in rush hour and then turning around and coming right back in a car that has no satellite radio or way to play my Pema Podcasts. It isn’t all upward growth, though, so you have to get used to the plateau. That is where all the “real” work is done, right? I recently showed my therapist my growth chart on Instagram (she follows me) and pointed out that there were a lot of dips. She said this is totally natural and that I should be gentle with myself. My inner critic was shaming me for not having constant upward movement and that was stunting my growth.  We discovered that the dips typically occur after breakups, and now I’m really, really, really beginning to understand how the impermanence of life and letting go helps ease suffering. I have turned away from the traditional religion that I grew up with and have found the truth in Buddhism. Buddha really “got” suffering and what causes it. But you know what, even suffering has a silver lining because from it comes growth, if you are willing to open to it and growth, like truth, is beauty. And like a Miss America winner, I just want to reflect beauty to the whole world.

I know I’m developing my beginner’s mind, mindfulness, and being present. One great lesson in being mindful of food came at a recent day-long retreat. We were all starving from meditating for hours when our spiritual guide handed each of us a few chocolate chips. He made us look at the chips, I mean REALLY look at the chips – see the various colors and shapes and sizes. And then he made us smell the chips, I mean REALLY take in that smell of the chocolate. You could hear people’s stomachs growling and some were actually whimpering. I mean, we hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so this was truly a test. Then he told us to put it in our tongue and gently suck rather than just eating it. At that point I think some people started crying. Finally we were able to eat the chips. That Cat sure taught us something about being mindful that day, and I’ve never looked at chocolate chip cookies the same way.

I’ve read every single one of Pema’s books twice, and recently paid good money to see her speak. I swear just seeing her in person and hearing her voice helped me grow a full six inches. With all this focus on myself I fully expect to one day be the emotional equivalent of 5’8” tall, which is a respectable height for a woman, not too tall but still above average. And this height will help me achieve other things. For example, I’ve floated to several friends who work at Google that they should create a wearable – like the Fitbit – to track emotional growth. Can you imagine getting a “Dharma badge” or, better yet,  a “Pema badge?  Wouldn’t that really push you to grow? Until then, as long as my therapist or yoga instructor don’t die or move on, I’m sure I’ll reach my goal.

Rebecca blogs at My Life as a Cartoon. She believes only 20 percent of what she wrote in this post.